Is Dating, Courtship, and True Love Extinct?

Are women fighting an uphill battle?

Is chivalry dead? Word on the street is that women killed it. Some believe our species have become too available, accessible, and accommodating to the opposite sex. While I'd have to argue that this is not true for every situation, it does make me wonder. Is dating, courtship, and old school love extinct?  Why don't men hold the door open anymore or write love letters? The evolution of technology has turned dating and courtship into text messages, skype dates, and Facebook statuses. But who is to blame? Technology or women?

Gone are the days when people simply courted each other. To hear older people talk about courtship is hilarious but simultaneously insightful. Men and women didn't sleep together on the first date, they spent time talking on the phone, writing love letters, and spending quality time with each other. Furthermore they met each other's families and both parties got to know each other with the intention of marriage. Where have these days gone?

Ok so not everybody is ready to get married. In fact it is my belief that until you are older and established, marriage should be the farthest thing from your mind. I don't however see the point in dating someone whom you wouldn't consider marriage material. And if this is the case, how come more "couples" don't spend more time getting to know each other in a non-physical arena?

But let's try to understand why women are now killing chivalry. Have we become too accepting of the change in times and romanticism or lack thereof? Do we just accept the fact that men are doing less and less or is it our responsibility as women to hold them to a higher standard? It makes sense that anyone will not exceed more than what they are expected. But I can't help but believe that men should play some role in this too. Why don't more of them exhibit more passion, care, and genuine interest in the woman they are seeing?

Ok, so let's not turn this into a man bash. I would have to play devil's advocate and argue that I have seen and experienced some of the most romantic and thoughtful gestures a guy could do. But was it because the man genuinely wanted to or felt pressured to by a/my/women's standards? I would like to think that chivalry, courtship, and romanticism is NOT dead because I see it everyday. A man who has true love, respect, and genuine interest in a woman will show it.

Ultimately a man/woman will do what they want to do. Just like there are sleazeballs in the world, there are gentlemen and ladies with class, respect, and appreciation for the opposite sex. My inkling is that much of how we treat the opposite sex has to do with how our parents raised us to. Many men and women grew up without good examples of genuine love, mutual respect, and healthy relationships. Thus they are incapable of showing this to others. I don't think that courtship or chivalry is dead, but I think if you desire it you can't expect it from someone who is incapable. If you find yourself wanting more from a relationship communicate this to the other person. Those who are willing to put forth the effort whether they know how to or not are keepers. Those that don't, well, they don't deserve your time. Sometimes you have to teach each other how to love. Respect should be received but also has to be given. Look at yourself and what you give out and if you feel that you are not getting a proper return, seek to change it or walk away.

Does Wanting a Successful Man Make You a Gold Digger?

Ah, the age old question- To be a gold digger or not to be a gold digger. Thank you Kanye West for helping us weed out the masses. But seriously. What constitutes a gold digger?


I recently spoke with a friend who was conflicted about her own beliefs regarding this topic. She dates a "successful" man and receives flack from her friends who label her as a gold digger. She showed interest in him prior to knowledge of his assets, yet is still perceived as a "gold digger" by others.
This made me think about my own beliefs and what I value in a relationship. Typical of most women I want a man who can provide for me and is successful at whatever he does. Does this make me a gold digger?


There is so much area shaded grey when it comes to this subject. If a woman posseses the wealth and sucess she desires in a mate, it makes her choosy. But if that same woman without those traits desires similar, she's digging for gold?

No skills 2 pay the bills

I can't say that I have the magic answer to any of these questions. What I do know is that there is a clear distinction between someone who marries/dates for love and someone who marries/dates for money. If a chick will only date you because you drive a Benz and keep her in Red Bottoms- I ain't sayin she a gold digga but....You know the rest.


In my opinion, a smart woman first builds her own assets and success and then aims to mirror and/or supersede her achievements in her counterpart. Depending on a man for everything is not a good look. It is my belief however, that the man should be the provider. If I make $150,000 a year and my husband makes half, how can he provide for me?


Yall can call me a gold digger any day, but let's be honest. Love doesn't pay the bills. Finance is the #1 reason for divorce in America. So why add fuel to the fire? Putting yourself in a situation to financially struggle only sets you up for more problems down the line. So why not guard against it the best you can by pairing yourself with someone who is not only financially sound but also smart with their money?


I once heard someone say that it is fun to struggle and be in love. Come again? The idea may be cute, but no one wants to live a life of poverty. That may be extreme, but the idea still stands. Love + Broke = may not be enough.

Gold Digger?

I hate to rain on some people's proverbial parade, but sometimes love isn't always enough. There's an element of functionality devoid of love that is necessary to make a relationship work. While cliche, but true- Love doesn't pay the bills honey. It doesn't pay off your student loans, put food on the table, or pay little Johnny's college tuition. There are situations only hard work and a solid savings account can tackle.


Now don't get me wrong. There are so many people who overlook potential in a future suitor. You may be broke, but why? Are you in medical school? Are you creating a business plan? Are you conducting research on the next big cure? These are not reasons to dis and dismiss. Beside every good man is a good woman! I do think however, long term commitment, i.e. marriage should be reserved for when at least one party is financially stable.


And amidst all this gold digging gander let's not forget that happiness is most important. I don't however, see this as a contradiction to my previous statements. Because when your love and finances are in order, happiness is in closer reach. Money and power come and go, but unconditional, unadulterated, pure love is the most valuable thing in the world.


So enough of that. What really is a gold digger? Is it someone who only dates wealthy men? Or is it someone who gives up the goods for the gold? Maybe it's someone who wants their man to drive a BMW. Or maybe it's someone who is smart about the stability of their financial future. Should a woman feel guilty for choosing to date a man with money? What do you think? Share your thoughts below or tweet me!

Is this true ladies?

What's Up With All the Celeb Divorces?

Poor Kimmie K

 Statistics now say that almost 49% of marriages in the US end up in divorce. Big shocker there. It's not just the newbies getting hammered by these statistics anymore however. Older, more established marriages are taking a hit too.

What's interesting is that statistics also say the more educated, wealthy, and older you are the greater chance that your marriage will survive. Really? 

More recently I've been appalled by the dominoe divorce effect I've seen amongst well-known couples. What's causing these power couples to go splitsville?

My intuition and life experiences tell me that these very public marriages end up in divorce due to a number of stressors atypical to "regular" marriages. But why don't they think about these things before they walk down the aisle?

 Jeezy and Andre 3000 crying "I Do I Do I Do" are getting the masses all hyped up about marriage. But do we take the time to think about what it really means? Kim Kardashian said of her divorce, "I want a family and babies and a real life so badly that maybe I rushed in to something too soon". Amen sister. Many "commoners" are guilty of the same exact thing.

We just knew yall were forever!

Many people see marriage as the ultimate romantic gesture rather than a lifestyle that forces you not only to love unconditionally, but also to make compromises and sacrafices sometimes on a daily basis. It's the coming together of two lives to become one. This means sharing the same bed, house, money, and decisions.

It all seems so romantic when you're shoving cake in each other's face, but what happens when the honeymoon is over? What happens when there's no money for bills and the rent is due? What happens when your partner is caught in a public rape case? (cough...Kobe)

Don't get me wrong. This is not meant to be a sarcastic satire on what God meant to be one of the most beautiful unions of a lifetime. I do however believe that more people need to make decisions on marriage based on their ability to withstand the pressures that come along with it.

So what makes a celeb marriage work? Not all have fallen off like a bad weave. Bey and J seem to be doing well and older couples like Will and Jada have stood the test of time despite a whirlwind of vicious rumors. While no marriage is perfect or bullet-proof, what I've realized is that those that last, especially in the public eye may be able to clue us in on what it takes to survive the world of marriage.

What are your thoughts on marriage? Does the ever-increasing divorce rate in America discourage you from your happily ever after? Or do we as Americans need to change the way we think about marriage in order to guard against its imminent extinction?

Weave VS Natural- Which Do You Prefer?

Weave

No Weave

Can you tell the difference between these two pictures? Maybe not if you're a guy, but probably so if you're a living, breathing, woman. That's right, the war of the weaves. 


I took to Facebook and Twitter recently to poll guys on which they prefer- weave or natural? Most guys responded that they prefer natural if possible, but won't argue with a weave wearing woman. I guess to each his own. 


My question is- Is it a deal breaker? I've heard some men bash weave, lacefronts, wigs etc. but then turn around and say how "Bad" Beyonce and Meagan Good are. Hmmm...I guess their hair just grows real fast. 


Please note that "bald head scalywags" are not the only people who wear fake hair. Black, white, red, purple, and women of all races, backgrounds, and hair types wear weave. I have friends with hair down their back that wear wigs, tracks, etc for fun and to switch things up. 


Take myself for example. I have a good amount of natural hair that can take me 3-4 hours to wash, condition, and flat iron. I love my hair and I wear it every chance I get, but can you imagine? Working out, running through the rain, and even dancing can become treacherous endeavors. I'll be unbeweaveable every now and then to keep my sanity.


So what is your take? Are weaves unnatural, unnecessary, and unattractive? Or can they be done with taste and tact? Would you date a woman who wore fake hair or is it a deal breaker? Women how do you feel? 

Prenup or No Prenup?

Hmmm didn't see this one coming huh? That's right Vanessa officially filed for divorced and is taking what is "rightfully hers" after a tumultuous and very publicly scandalous marriage. Not many people can argue with the fact that Nessa put up with more than most. But I guess that $4 million dollar apology ring kept her warm at night. No? Ok.


Twitter, Facebook, and the rest of our internet and scandal driven society are all a buzz about Vanessa's "shocking" decision. Some feel she  waited all too long to act on Kobe's triflin ways. When a woman's fed up....well...you know the rest. But then there are those who focus on Kobe's decision or lack there of to impose a pre-nup. 


At ciaraelaine.com we are always in quest of the bigger picture. So you know I have to ask. What effect does this have on people's opinions of marriage and pre-nups? I personally feel that Vanessa deserves every bit of what she will get. She helped build Kobe's empire and withstood worldwide humiliation. Give her all of it! 


Many people fail to understand just how much athletes' wives do and put up with behind the scenes. Sure its all glitz and glamour in the media's eye, but the wives are the ones who deal with last minute trades, nursing injuries, groupies, and hearing him complain after a loss. Can we give these women an award?


But there are those who also believe to whom much is given, much is required. There is a price to pay for living in the lap of luxury. Gold diggers beware! At the end of the day however, money couldn't mask the pain, hurt, and shame Vanessa dealt with as a result of her husband's cheating ways. Money can't buy you happiness. Cliche, but true!


But lest we forget about poor Kobe. He now has to cough up millions in spousal support. And let's not forget about child support, lawyers fees, and possible loss of endorsement deals. Hmm...maybe you should've kept it in your pants? But I guess we'll cut him some slack for now. He respected Vanessa enough not to force her into a meager pre-nup. 


What's worse is that now Kobe may lose custody of his children and has to see his ex frollicking around with a new boo piece on her arm. And she's laughing all the way to the bank. I guess one of these days men will learn. Or maybe not. 


So what is your take? Did Vanessa "earn" all that divorce money with the foolishness Kobe put her through? Or is he a dummy for not getting a pre-nup? It could go either way, but I hate to see how lightly people take marriage these days. If you're gonna sleep around why get married in the first place? 


And ladies, please don't be fooled into thinking that a man will never cheat because you got a cute face and a slim waist. This is proof that even the most gorgeous of them can fall short. Love hard but be smart. Protect yourself financially and emotionally. Divorce is certainly not a walk in the park. So let's all avoid it the best we can by focusing on using our heads and not our hearts to make life-changing decisions. My heart goes out to Vanessa and her kiddos. Kobe can kick rocks. 

Interracial Dating From a Black Woman's Perspective

According to the US census bureau, the number of interracially married couples has risen from 310,000 in 1970 to 2,340,000 a few years ago. Are you surprised? I'm not. America is becoming more of a melting pot everyday. 

Another more shocking statistic however states that 70% of black women are unmarried in the US. But why? Theorists give us two reasons: 1. 40% of black males are in jail or prison and 2. Black women outnumber black males 2 to 1 on college campuses. Thus the pool of successful black men in America is very scarce. Then take away those not in your age group, don't meet your preferences, and those married to women of other races. Hmmm....sounds like the sistas are #losing in the dating game.

As someone who has dated outside of my race, I can attest to the pros and cons of getting your "swirl" on. The social stigma of interracial dating can be likened to walking outside with no underwear on. When people see mixed race couples they can't help but to stop and stare. I'd be lying to say I haven't done so once or twice in my lifetime.

But the awkwardness exponentiates when you are a black woman dating a white. asian, arab, etc. man. Black men will tell you that you are "too pretty to be with a white guy" or girls of other races will give you the stare of death for taking a dip in their race pool. The constant stares, derogatory remarks, even hateration from family members, peers, and friends is an inevitable price to pay for being a "sellout".

As a black woman, however, dating outside your race has its advantages. In general, people of other cultures are much more accepting than the black culture. Living overseas I saw how  Europeans appreciate different cultures much more than we do and infuse this into their food, beliefs, and social interactions. So why do Americans, especially blacks, have a stick up their butt?

Dating outside my race gives me a chance to bond with someone who can appreciate other cultures and ways of life as I do myself. To the eye I am a typical black woman, but my life experiences have made me into everything but. I need someone by my side who understands, appreciates, and embraces this. And unfortunately, many black men don't.

Before I get the proverbial pro "black love" blacklash, let me clear something up. I know that I am a black woman and I love myself for it. Both my parents are black and the majority of my family. Additionally, I love me a fine black man. And I will take one any day that treats me with the love and affection I desire. Please stand corrected in noting that my dating preferences are not based on color, rather someone's ability to love and accept me for who I am. More often than not, he has not been black.

Dating is like real estate. What matters is a person's location, location, location. Environmental cues determine who a person becomes, not the color of their skin. So I refuse to negotiate who I am to squeeze myself into the mold of a typical black family. I will love whoever provides me with the qualities and traits I desire without regard to their skin color. And I will teach my children the same.

 Dating outside my race as a black woman is hard, but I reap the benefits when I am connecting and bonding with someone who truly understands and appreciates me for who I am. So don't become an unmarried statistic just because you wanna be down. The world is so much bigger than race and the opportunities that you are only willing to take. 

Groupies, Girlfriends, and Social Networking

  

Many of you may or may not know of the recent scandal involving a certain LSU football player and the backlash that followed his decision to very publicly acknowledge his long time girlfriend. In case you haven't, here is the run-down. Said very well-known football player after a major win took to Twitter to talk about how he couldn't wait to see his girlfriend after the game. Not only did he talk about her, but also mentioned her Twitter name. Various groupies and jump offs, angry at his public display of affection, then took to the internet to- how shall we say it? Put him on blast. Pictures of him and countless other females were then leaked and the rest is history.


In college, I dated a high profile athlete. There were always groupies lurking, but everyone knew that we were an item. It angered alot of females to say the least. I dealt with everything from evil stares to internet bashing. My senior year it took on a whole different level when a certain female tried to set me up and began spreading nasty rumors surrounding the situation. Fortunately, my relationship was rock solid. Although everyone and everything tried to tear us apart, we remained committed to each other. Every vile, nasty, and disheartening rumor was publicly disseminated about us both and it only got worse as his success rose.


The question it brought me to is why do we care? More importantly what does this mean for athletes or anyone dating a "high profile" individual? What are the implications of this incidence as it relates to social networking and relationships? Why is it so hard for successful atheltes (and other successful) men to maintain strong and very public relationships?


This situation is exactly why. I can't speak to the validity of the allegations against this gentleman; but what I do know is that this sends a loud and clear message to the rest of them. Keep your private life private. And for most this means keeping a monogomous relationship on the low.


But what does this mean for the girlfriends, wives, etc. of these athletes? Do they then have to take a quiet backseat to their man's world and give up the public love and affection that a normal relationship should/would have? Or do they face it and deal with the hell that will follow? In many ways its a lose-lose situation, but is it worth it?


My heart goes out to the girl put in this awful situation. But in some respects she was at least use to dealing with scandalous females. It requires someone with extremely tough skin to date a "star" athlete. My hat off to her. At the same time, had he not been galivanting with these foolish females, there would be nothing to expose right? Many of us sat back in wonderment and amazement at the dramatic expose' of Tiger Woods, his scheming ways, and bounty of females. It convinced us that men would become more "discreet" when it came to their side chicks. Steve McNair (RIP) for example, died at the hand of a schizophrenic side chick. When will men learn?


At the end of the day, not all athletes are bad news. There are some very faithful, loyal, and good hearted ones that get grouped in with the rest. But from my experience, I've realized that even the most innocent bystander can be a victim of internet lies. So what does it take to maintain a solid relationship under a public spotlight?

Basketball & House "Wives": A 1st Hand Perspective

It seems now that my TV guide is flooded with every kind of sport and industry's "wives" as a show. Many of them I watch and get entertainment out of, but I have to wonder what it does to the reputations of mothers, wives, and girlfriends of successful men. In a positive aspect I think it glamorizes the role of homemaker. What went from a role not very much respected in today's society is now an envied position in the world of women. Everyone wants to be a "wife" now. Is this a bad thing? Maybe not. Women are changing the way we see our roles in the home. No longer is the typical wife barefoot and pregnant solely devoted to cooking and cleaning, but also now a mother, wife, businesswoman, entrepeneur, matriarch, role model, etc. I can't help but be proud of how far we've come as women and aimed to break through the "glass ceiling" so to speak.


Conversely, women's depictions as football, basketball, and everything in between wives has shed such a negative light on these types of women. They look as if all they do is party, fight, and spend money. Many seem classless, unintelligent, uneducated, and after money and fame. How do we separate the good from the bad? Some of these shows can be very staged or scripted, and those that aren't are edited sheerly for entertainment. Being a support system to a professional athlete is more than botox parties and shopping. It requires a woman who is confident in herself, supports her man, but can stand on her own two feet. It seems that the women who actually embody this role don't get enough credit from these shows. And who can blame them? It wouldn't make money anyway.


At the end of the day I do not to take any of these shows too seriously. I get a laugh out of it and keep it moving. Although many of these women make themselves look likes fools with all the constant fighting and drama, they do so laughing all the way to the bank. I can't support the examples many of them set, but they do provide entertainment while simultaneously capitalizing off their images. I believe that every woman whether tied to an athlete, rapper, investment banker, or McDonald's worker should have goals for themselves and direct their efforts towards reaching these goals in addition to being the best mother, "wife", or girlfiend they can be. When it's all said and done money, fame, and careers can fade away,especially those of someone else. What will you be left with?